“To Tell You My Story Is To Tell of Him”

 

This week will mark two months of living in Mexico. Overall, I have really enjoyed my time here. This post is going to give you the truth about some of the realities of trying to adjust to a new country and a first year of teaching at the same time.

I’ve learned so much living in Mexico–most recently, how to light a pilot light so I don’t have to take freezing cold showers. I know it sounds small, but it’s seriously empowering to know these little life skills. I traveled to Zacatecas last weekend with a few friends, saw some seriously beautiful sights, and had a wonderful time. We also have another trip planned to Monterrey in a couple of weeks, and I am loving the opportunity to see different parts of Mexico. Everything is so beautiful! Sometimes, I just look at the mountains from the roof of my building and am in awe all over again.

 

It’s been awhile since I’ve written because I wanted to share chipper and upbeat stories of how great everything is and how much I have it all figured out. I’ve come to the realization that just sharing those stories wouldn’t be real and wouldn’t give you the opportunity to see the way that God is working in my life.

“I look up to the mountains; does my strength come from the mountains? No, my strength comes from God who made heaven, and earth, and the mountains.”             Psalm 121:1-2

Being a first year teacher is so much tougher than I ever imagined it would be. I recently told another teacher that if someone would have told me while I was in college how hard my first year of teaching would be, I would have changed majors and never finished my degree. One of my students has already had an in-school suspension, and this last week, a different student brought a knife to school and another student used it to threaten some of my kids. I think we can all agree that neither of those scenarios are what any teacher pictures for their classroom. With all of the daily struggles in my classroom, I have felt like a complete failure more than I ever have in my life. I realized this last week that we had been in school for 28 days and only once did I finish the day feeling successful. One day out of twenty-eight, people!

Being away from my support network is also hard. I have had to start from scratch here building new relationships with people I have known for only a couple of months. That is a lot of pressure for an introvert! Sometimes, I find myself becoming a prickly porcupine when I feel threatened or misunderstood by the people around me, and I retreat to the safety of solitude. Just writing this is hard and knowing that people are going to see my thoughts (yikes!). There will be no more illusion of having it all together. That’s for sure!

One thing that has really helped the past few months is my Sunday church group. We may be small, but we have good discussions. We are reading a book called Plan B and talking about what happens when you find yourself far away from what you thought your life was going to look like (how appropriate, right?). When I was walking home from our group one day, I heard these words echoing in my head over and over “You are blessed; you are loved; and you are right where you are supposed to be.” I felt instant peace wash through my soul. Now, I know some of you are thinking that I have officially lost it, but I believe in the still, small voice that responds when you’re worn out and at the end of your rope. I have turned to my worship music and am amazed that I can listen to a song that I have heard one hundred times, but there is still something there for me that I never noticed before right when I need it. That’s why it’s the absolute truth that “to tell you my story is to tell of Him”. It’s His power that’s getting me through every new challenge in my classroom because mine is long gone. I also know that He brought me to it, and He’s going to bring me through it. There’s peace in that knowledge.

I am a little surprised that this is the post I felt like I had to write after about a month of radio silence but maybe someone else is struggling and needs to know that they aren’t alone. Maybe there is someone who needs to hear that the illusion of having it all together isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, and it’s ok to let other people see your struggles. I know that I’m still learning that lesson.

These are the lyrics of the song “Shoulders” by For King and Country. I feel like I may have shared them with you before, but they are so good that they bear repeating. I hope they speak to you as much as they have to me.

When confusion’s my companion
And despair holds me for ransom
I will feel no fear
I know that You are near

When I’m caught deep in the valley
With chaos for my company
I’ll find my comfort here
‘Cause I know that You are near

[Chorus:]
My help comes from You
You’re right here, pulling me through
You carry my weakness, my sickness, my brokenness all on Your shoulders
Your shoulders
My help comes from You
You are my rest, my rescue
I don’t have to see to believe that You’re lifting me up on Your shoulders
Your shoulders

You mend what once was shattered
And You turn my tears to laughter
Your forgiveness is my fortress
Oh Your mercy is relentless

[Chorus]

My help is from You
Don’t have to see it to believe it
My help is from you
Don’t have to see it, ‘cause I know, ‘cause I know it’s true

[Chorus]

My help is from You
Don’t have to see it to believe it
My help is from you
Don’t have to see it, ‘cause I know, ‘cause I know it’s true